It's been a while since I last posted and there are several reasons for that. Self-growth is a journey and the road is sometimes bumpy. So last month and a bit since the last post have been rough but keeping track of positive affirmations and gratitude as well as the focus on what I want has helped me survive the "nightmare" I went through.

As a person who's very organized and slightly anxious about the unknown and the chaos, I've tried for the past months to get myself informed as much as possible about what's to come.

I had a chat with lawyers, divorce coaches, psychologists, friends who went through a divorce,  etc to make sure I'm well prepared. I had a plan of how and when to serve the news. And then "life happened"...

Things at home got worse, verbal fights, disrespect, you name it and I got an ultimatum to say what I want within a week. So I did, despite knowing for a while what I want, I took the week for me to be able to serve the news in a calm manner. I've analyzed and overthought the situation in my head for months, but never ever expected what happened. I got surprised that despite all the things I've heard from my husband in the past years, he still doesn't want to get a divorce. But no panic... I know what I want, I know what's good for me, and my organized self suggested a new deadline - the end of Jan.

I felt overwhelmed at first that I won't get the fresh start of the year as I was hoping for (I changed my haircut to compensate for missing on the bigger change). But since then I'm trying to keep focused and constructive in the new setup of "let's try and fix the marriage". I'm open and clear about what I want and what I need (being blamed for being "cold", but that's a different story). I will not sacrifice my happiness and well-being. I won't apologize for who I am. I'm with clear consciousness about doing everything I could to "safe" the marriage, so it's not on me anymore.

Knowing what I want and sticking to it has brought me where I am. I don't believe the coming months will all be "pink", but I'm convinced that it's for my own good to stay positive and not give up on my needs. For anyone out there reading this, don't give up, fight for what you need. I'm sure it's gonna be rewarding when achieved.