After many years of questioning everything and everyone in my life to figure out why am I not happy, I came to realize that I had a strong stress factor being my relationship. This in one way or another didn't let me enjoy life to its fullest. I've tried to behave in a certain way so it fits my spouse's expectations, but this wasn't truly me. The "light" I carry inside me never managed to "shine" in this relationship. But be it cause of love, age, insecurity or what not, I couldn't see it for quite a long time.

Last year on my journey healing from a surgery and learning how to live with a chronical disease things started clear out for me. I still remember the feeling after my first encounter with cranio-sacral therapy. I felt as if I've live in a parallel life for the past years. And then suddenly I woke up. I woke from a nightmare. I felt lighter. Things started making sense again. Step by step I started clearing out in my mind what are the things that have bothered be and what I need to change and started working on those.

Among the list of things to change was my marriage... It felt awkward at first, but then suddenly by observing the relationship from a different angle, things started making sense. I can't be happy in this relationship as I can't be my true self. Many conversations and therapy sessions later, I've passed a big part of the message through - I needed peace and I was getting the contrary from the relationship. I've repeated continuously over and over again, that I wish to be left in peace also as part of my "physical therapy". It took at least 4 months to partially achieve something that shall be super normal in a relationship and yet I needed to explain myself over and over.

Now looking back I've managed to get much more peace than I ever had for the past almost 11 years. Fights are less and less. I'm rarely questioned on what I do, what I allow or not, when do I come home, etc. I've achieved 95% of the peace I've asked for. Yet it feels like there's something more to what I need. The romantic part of me still believes that it's not about living a "comfortable" life, but actually be happy, love and feel loved, travel, adventures, you name it. With a kid in between and the "baggage" I carry based on my previous experiences, I can't stop to wonder whether to "risk" it or not. Should I leave despite the peace achieved in the search of happiness? Or shall I stay in the comfort and new frame of a marriage I'm achieved week by week. Do I take the risk and jump into the unknown?

My exeriment of a week away confirmed to a very high extend, that I do enjoy my own company and time. My overthinking and sometimes selfsabotaging personality keeps wondering though if this is only a short term effect as I'm fed up and tired from the current setup or is it something I'd love on the long run. Is it fair to me, to him and to our daughter to live a "peaceful", but unhappy life in the sake of comfort. Or shall we all be a bit more brave and jump faster and without fear into the town? The overly romantic little girl inside me screams "Go for it! It will be worth it!" Will logic win over emotions?  I guess time will tell...