One of the characteristics of endometriosis is mood swings. But as a woman, those are common even without being an endo warrior.  I've been on a rollercoaster of emotions lately despite the peace at home and keep wondering how much longer will those last....Or is the peace just the surface I don't want to scratch?

My mood recently has been changing multiple times within the day. Half of the time I manage to shake off negativity (mostly with music and dancing) and continue the day or am so overloaded with work that I don't really have the time to think much about it. Last week I've even started running ahead so I keep focused on something else (until I did some blood tests, analyzed the pulse during running sessions and the blood results, and now it seems running is not an option either). Despite all the destruction, I still spend a lot of time reflecting on those mood swings and I keep wondering what the driver is. My current situation seems stable and peaceful on the surface, but my wish for more seems to cause me unwanted anxiety. As much as I try convincing myself that this is temporary and the calmness now it's a chance for me to recover and gather strength for what's to come, I am a person who can't stay still. I want to move forward. To get behind me things I don't like or don't do me good. To change. To glow and shine. The current "peaceful" setup is a bit like quicksand - it's peaceful in a way, and you also keep moving, but in the expected way. I need to admit that there's an extremely thin border between my borders and allowing certain behaviors "in the name of peace" - just like a quicksand - do I move faster and go down faster or stand still?.. As the few times I stood strong lately, it caused quite some turbulence.

Recently I came across an article about something called - CDS - considering divorce syndrome. CDS, the constant cycle of considering divorce and not following through, according to the article, can take a toll on one's health. This repetitive and constant stress is going to wear on you, no matter how strong you are., the article said. The moment I read this it was an eye-opening moment. It was described that the body might be showing the signs through symptoms that range from feeling tired all the time no matter how much I sleep, a loss of appetite, disconnected from friends and family, constant flu or cold-like symptoms when doctors say there is nothing wrong with you, and so on. "Hey, that's me!!!" is what I thought when I read it. I've been suffering from changes in appetite, trouble connecting with my friends (blaming it on the different focus we have lately), and constant tiredness.

With all of that, my mood is swinging between shall I file the divorce through court and have him act on it or do I get engaged in yet another conversation on how my happiness is not with him, seeing him cry, and making me feel like I'm a monster... I continuously try to understand why I feel like I'm trapped. What should I do differently than I've done so far to keep my sanity and have a happy present as a divorced single mom...