Here I am on a Sunday afternoon thinking and analyzing the recent social interactions I’ve been having. I grew up in a stable monogamous (to my knowledge at least) family. There was no drama, no cheating, no double life, or anything of that sort. And for most of my life, this has been the norm. With the relationship I had before my marriage, I’ve entered a fun social circle, but I haven’t realized for a long time how different it is from what I was used to.I had two relationships within that circle (one of which was my marriage) and now with my dancing hobby, I feel even more into it than I wish to be. On one side is the dancing which makes me feel alive and also relaxes my mind of the busy everyday life, but on the other side is all the gossiping, drama and hidden or not hidden intentions of the people that bother me. So I feel once again on a crossroad between something that does me well and in the same time at days harms my mental health.

I entered the dancing world without any intentions of socializing but looking back now I think I underestimated my abilities to “just dance and not socialize”. I guess being a relatively young attractive woman doesn’t help much either. Even less so leaving a traumatizing relationship and looking for validation. In the process of recovering from a trauma, I realize daily that it’s bigger than I thought, I got engaged with different people in this circle. Some I let closer to who I am and what I’ve been through, others not. But in all those cases I kept asking myself what was wrong with me or the world today. I’ve had encounters with single men proposing me a relationship after 2 dances, married men asking me out on a coffee, married men sharing openly their intimate intentions, offers for massages, friendships with intentions,  and all sort of things one could imagine. I guess in the first months it felt exciting to get all that attention until it became monotonous, boring and at times disappointing.

What happened to pure and sincere relationships? What happened to vulnerability and empathy? Are none of those part of the dance community? Or are they not even part of the modern world and culture? As a mother, I always think of the example I want to give my daughter. At times like those though there’s a feeling of confusion I don’t want to demonstrate neither to her, nor to anyone else. The choice between continue doing something I enjoy a lot and leaving it, because it’s at times toxic, is not easy. What makes it even more difficult is the familiarity. It reminds me a lot of my marriage, I knew it was toxic but I had feelings and good moments with my ex-husband. But this time, I’m determined to break the pattern. I must learn to prioritize my well-being and recognize when to walk away, even if it means leaving behind something I love. And I guess that's the only example I can give to my daughter, at a moment when something starts feeling more wrong than right, leave it and prioritize your peace of mind.